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| JOKES | BLESSINGS |
| Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's behind," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." |
Take me home to Shamrock Hill The glorious place of my birth Where the glens are green and the heather grows- ‘Tis the prettiest place on earth- The wind blows free and the air is fresh And I still hear a rippling rill. My heart is sad, but it could be glad- Take me home to Shamrock Hill. E. GARY BROOKS |
| Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" |
May the good saints protect you And bless you today And may troubles ignore you Each step of the way |
| Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" | Grant me a send of humor, Lord, the saving grace to see a joke, To win some happiness from life, And pass it on to other folks. |
| Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them. | How sweetly lies old Ireland Emerald green beyond the foam, Awakening sweet memories Calling the heart back home |
| It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" | May joy and peace surround you, Contentment latch your door, And happiness be with you now And bless you evermore. |
| Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." | May brooks and trees and singing hills Join in the chorus too, And every gentle wind that blows Send happiness to you. |
| An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
May your troubles be less And your blessing be more And nothing but happiness Come through your door |
| Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" | These things, I warmly wish for you- Someone to love, Some work to do, A bit of o’ sun A bit o’ cheer And a guardian angel Always near. |
| Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" |
Christ be with me, Christ be within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort me, Christ above me, Christ in quiet, Christ in danger Christ in hearts of all that love me Christ in mouth of friend and stranger. FROM THE BREASTPLATE OF SAINT PATRICK |
| Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together." | Hills as green as emeralds Cover the countryside Lakes as blue as sapphires- And Ireland’s special pride And rivers that shine like silver Make Ireland look so fair- But the friendliness of her people Is the richest treasure there. |
| Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. |
Deep peace of the running waves
to you. Deep peace of the flowing air to you. Deep peace of the smiling stars to you. Deep peace of the quiet earth to you. Deep peace of the watching shepherds to you. Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you AN OLD GAELIC PRAYER |
| A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." | May good luck be your friend In whatever you do And may trouble be always A stranger to you. |
| As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" | May your home be filled with laughter May your pockets be filled with gold And may you have all the happiness Your Irish heart can hold. |
| Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Damn! There goesanother one!" | May your blessings outnumber The Shamrocks that grow And may trouble avoid you Wherever you go. |
| Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." | May you be half an hour in Heaven Before the Devil knows you’re dead. |
| The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. | The Harp that once through Tara’s hills The soul of music shed, Now hangs as mute on Tara’s walls As if that soul were fled So sleep the pride of former days, So Glory’s thrill is o’er- And the hearts that once Beat high for praise Now feel that pulse no more. |
| O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" | Whenever there is happiness Hope you’ll be there too, Wherever there are friendly smiles Hope they’ll smile on you, Whenever there is sunshine, Hope it shine especially For you to make each day for you As bright as it can be. |
| WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman is a man who? May not believe there is a God,
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You’ve blessed me with friends and laughter and fun With rain that’s as soft as the light from the sun- You’ve blessed me with the stars to brighten each night You’ve give me help to know wrong from right You’ve give me so much please, Lord give me too A heart that is always Grateful to you. |
| The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. | The rose and the shamrock
Will always remind me
Of lanes in the hills
That I left far behind me. E. GARY BROOKS |
| Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." | May the saint protect ye- An’ sorrow neglect ye, An’ bad luck to the one That doesn’t respect ye t’ all that belong to ye, An long life t’ yer honor- That’s the end of my song t’ ye! |
| The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. | May this home and all therein be blessed with God’s love |
|
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note: 1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the life out of him. 9) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 10) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" 11) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
May this luck of the Irish be always, at hand. And good friends always near you- May each and every coming day Bring some special joy to cheer you. |
| How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. | A BLESSING FOR YOU AND YOURS May the grace of God’s protection And His great love abide Within your home-within the hearts Of all who dwell inside. |
| "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." | When the first light of sun- Bless you When the long day is done- Bless you In your smiles and your tears- Bless you Through each day of your years- Bless you. |
| How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. | Lucky stars above you, Sunshine on your way, Many friends to love you, Joy in work and play- Laughter to outweigh each care, In your heart a song- And gladness waiting everywhere All your whole life long! |
| Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? | May your pockets be heavy- Your heart be light And may good luck pursue you Each morning and night |
| McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." | Like the warmth of the sun And the light of the day, May the luck of the Irish shine bright on your way. |
| Ireland It’s the one place on earth That Heaven has kissed With melody, mirth And meadow and mist. | |
| May the lilt of Irish laughter Lighten every load, May the mist of Irish magic Shorten every road, May you taste the sweetest pleasures That fortune ere bestowed, And may all your friends remember. All the favors you are owed. | |
| May you always have these blessings A soft breeze when summer comes- A warm fireside in winter- And always- the warm, soft smile of a friend. | |
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May the roads rise to meet you. May the wind be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; The rain fall soft upon your fields And, until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand. A GAELIC BLESSING |
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| May you have all the happiness And luck that life can hold- And at the end of your rainbows May you find a pot of gold. | |
| ERIN Where the wind has a sound like a sweet song, And anyone can hum it, And the heather grows upon the hills And shamrocks not far from it. | |
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From the great Gales of Ireland Are the men that God made mad, for all their wars are merry And all their songs are sad. G.K. CHESTERTON |
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| A special Irish blessing From the heart of a friend- "May good fortune be yours, May your joys never end." | |
| May the love and protection Saint Patrick can give Be yours in abundance As long as you live. | |
| May good luck be with you Wherever you go , And your blessing outnumber The shamrocks that grow. | |
| Whenever I dream, It seems I dream Of Erin’s rolling hills- Of all its lovely, shimmery lakes And little babbling rills- I hear a colleen’s lilting laugh Across a meadow fair And in my dreams its almost seems To me that I am there- O, Ireland! O’, Ireland! We’re Never far apart For you and all your beauty Fill my mind and touch my heart. |